Sunday, January 31, 2010

Oops. Caught drug-free.

I was talking to my mother today, and she said I sounded a little down. She asked if I've had migraines lately ... yes.

So the next question, "you aren't on your meds, are you?" Oh crap. Hubby caught me talking to her about it ... yeah. So we went on a hunt to figure out where my meds disappeared to. we didn't end up finding them (yeah, I SO need a refill), but we found some of the old stuff that stopped working.

To settle things, I took one (he wouldn't leave until I took one), and promised to get a refill soon.

This is the downside of my husband and mother watching out for me. When I'm on my meds like a good girl, I asked them to help me, because they know me and my moods.

But when I'm caught, I personally think I'm doing fine! But the two gang up on me. If I refuse to go in when I need a new med or something, they tell me. And will make an appointment, find a babysitter, and make darn sure I go in!

So now I've been caught taken one med, (fluoxitine, 40 mg, which is about a year old, that was two medications ago. It stopped working, like everything else). But I took something, because it made it appear I care ... which I don't. Because I'm freakin fine! Or maybe not.

When I'm not grouchy, I'll agree that they know me, and probably know better than I do when I need help.

Anyway. Yeah, bad mood today. I'll be fine. I'm actually on citalopram, also 40 milligrams (20 didn't work), but it's better than nothing. (Although I went off it because I swear it wasn't working anyway!).

So, here's to a new start, and I'm to the last refill of this prescription, so soon enough, a new medication!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

How to fail at marriage, before the proposal.

There are certain things a couple needs to agree on before they get married, well before! And especially before they have children. (which, by the way, also needs to be agreed upon. If only one wants children, that will be another problem!)

I've seen many of these mistakes made by friends of mine, and I think every serious couple should delve into these, just to make sure this is a "good match."

1: religion. Seriously people. If an Jew marries a catholic, which are you going to raise the baby? If mommy is Mormon, and daddy is Presbyterian, they can go to different churches now, but where will be the babies go, be baptized, and grow up?
Lets be fair here. How will little Susie or baby Frank feel if he's Mormon one week and Presbyterian the other? He'll be confused his whole life! Choose one. Stick with it. Then if he wants to decide otherwise when he's older, that's great! But don't make him hate religion because mommy and daddy couldn't agree!

2: homeschooling. True, why worry about this when the baby isn't even conceived yet? Well, if mommy wants to homeschool, and public school is awful, and daddy says public school is the only way to go ... what is going to happen to Johnny? You need to agree here, or at least be willing to compromise!

3: Circumcision. I'm not saying that the first time a couple goes on a date, they should talk about this over dinner, but it needs to be discussed! My opinion is strict, like daddy like baby. It's easier for everybody.

I know a couple personally who have been fighting over this since they first got pregnant. (Thankfully, first baby is a girl, but second, due any day now, is a boy.). He thinks this needs to be done, it's healthier, and better for the baby, and looks better. She thinks it's evil and should never ever be done (even though her husband has been circumcised!).
Their compromise? She says no, he says yes, and the argument continues. Her mommy has stopped in though, and said she'll stay at the hospital the whole time to make sure he doesn't get the surgery done while mommy is sleeping.

My opinion ... that's how you break up a marriage! If grandma interferes because they "don't trust daddy", ... this is very very bad. I look forward to finding out where this discussion ends up! Poor kid. And by not making a decision, by default, mommy wins, because it's "not doing anything." Or maybe, like religion, when the kid is 18, they can ask him, "hey, do you want a potentially painful surgery on your anatomy that will require you to have ice for a week?" (It's much easier for babies .. post-pubescent males have more trouble).

4: work. Can mommy have a job? If mommy is not a stay at home mommy, will there be problems? Will grandma hate mommy forever because she insists on working part time to keep her sanity intact? Does daddy think his only job in the family is to bring home the bacon while mommy cooks it and cleans and chases kids 24/7.

I know a couple where this is the husband. His job ends when he gets home. He won't help. Mommy's on bed rest with her second, and she has church members coming in to help, to watch her oldest, and the house is a disaster, because he won't do it! (Not to mention, he complains that she shouldn't need help anyway. How hard is it to watch a 3 year old?). And in that family, he thinks mommy should get a job, at a day car so she can take baby with her. She would prefer to stay at home. ...

5: money. One account, 2 accounts, who will pay the bills? Different things work for different people. At least have it worked out before you get married!!

These aren't necessary in order of importance, but these are the problems in a marriage. Work, money, religion, homeschooling, and circumcision.

This doesn't have to be brought up early, but please, before the wedding. If you want to make a good go at marriage, talk about these five factors, or your arguments may be very interesting, as long as you both shall live. And beyond.

Please, for a happy marriage ... talk about these first!

Thursday, January 21, 2010


it's been a rough few days. I died the other day, figuratively, of course. I laid down when I put the kids down for a nap, and slept until morning. Thank heavens for husbands! He let me sleep and took care of the kids. 18 hour nap? That's unusual, but it helped me feel a little better.

So yeah, I guess I'd better get on my med's. I also have an apology to make to an old boss of mine. I promised I'd do an Internet class, transcribing, and I didn't get it done the majority of the time. I feel so bad about it, and I finally realized it's time to face my fears and apologize for my stupidity.

:-) Ok, I got it done! An apology for letting my depression take over my life and causing me to be flaky and not getting done what I've promised!

Now i feel better about myself.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Today is MLK day, and I thought I'd share some thoughts.

I think Martin Luther King was a leader in his time. Yet he was one of those people who are not appreciated well by his contemporaries.

My grandparents agree with the civil rights movement, yet they still consider MLK a "rabble-rouser." Grandpa says when he came to town, things were great until he came in, then everybody was unhappy with the way things were. People that grew through the depression don't seem to appreciate change.

My other grandparents, flat out told us when we were growing up, that if we married a black man, we would be disowned. Chances are, he's telling the truth. He would.

A friend of mine growing up (complements of being a military brat), told me that in his high school, he saw discrimination for the first time in his life. I didn't realize until I was older, that half my kindergarten class, and two of my elementary teachers, were African American. I didn't know? I'm sure at that age, I noticed, but it didn't matter to me.

In his high school, there were only 2 white people in the entire grade, and 7 in the high school. This was a southern high school. He said it really allowed him to see the other side of the situation.

So, my grandparents didn't appreciate him, and hopefully, by the time I have grandchildren, the world will know him as somebody who changed America for the better.

My grandparents don't think he should have his own holiday, but I'm all for it. I've never been to the south, and seen any of the old plantations. I've never really witnessed discrimination in my life. But, somehow, my teachers, those I care for, being raised a military brat, have taught me a love for all people.

Everybody deserves a chance, and equal rights. Men, woman, black, white, old, young, and disabled. Everybody should have an equal chance for jobs, life, and rights.

My parents taught me well. And I know, looking at them, that a lot of the change in the world, in our perceptions, our ability to accept everybody not for the color of the skin, but the content of their character, we need to remember to thank our teachers, who have the ability to overcome familial prejudices, and teach our children that's it's ok to change the world.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Family pictures

We had family pictures done the week before Christmas, and the Photographer now has the pictures up so we can preview them on her website. They are AWESOME, except for one little problem ... my oldest.

It's sad that difficulties run in the family, because with my tourettes, these kids had no chance. The Oldest has tourettes - diagnosed, and OCD - undiagnosed, and pretty dang impossible sometimes. Well .. don't tell me how, but we survived.

My favorite picture of all the cousins is one where they are all lined up against a wall, grinning like Cheshire cats, and my sweet Jacob (5 years old), is sitting about five feet in front of them with his knees to his chest. With the way he was acting that day, I was shocked to see a decent picture.

She (photography by robin, says she has a child a lot like him, who doesn't do well in groups. Thankfully, she was able to get decent pictures of the entire family.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I passed those genes down to him. My almost 2 year old is easier to understand than my 3 year old, who has some expressive speech issues, (mainly, nobody can understand him.).

His shoes have to be right, girls can't open doors. (daddy taught him once that a man should open a door for a woman. Now if a female isn't alone, and she opens the door, he has a complete meltown... go daddy.).

I'll post a picture if I can get a release from the photographer. But they turned out ok. I'll never know how she did it. He can be impossible.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

A down day.

You know the ironic thing here? With depression comes a severe ... lack of enthusiasm to do anything that requires energy, forethought, or overall ... anything.

And here I am, attempting to start a blog, hoping to update daily when I sometimes lack the energy to get up. It's like actually forming a meeting of procrastinators anonymous, and trying to get people there. The meeting will be procrastinated for months.

So anyway ... I tried to find my meds today ... totally didn't succeed, but I did tell my husband I'm off my med's. Like it's a surprise?

Today I slept in until 9:30, I made lunch for the kids ... and eventually went with my family to visit one of my husbands friends.

The trick is to force myself to do things, but sometimes I lack the energy to do it. My husband picks up the slack a lot, which can be a help, but it's easy to depend on him too much. I know if I don't do the laundry, he'll do it.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. I just had to write something today. It's not great, but it's something. Once I allow myself to skip one day, I'll never get back to it. I know me, and I know how hard it is to keep going. (I think I last updated the family blog three months ago, I totally need to write something else, since last time, we've had two birthdays and we moved three hundred miles! Totally need to update that.

Goal for tomorrow: update family blog. And maybe find my depression medication. It's getting worse!

Weekends can be rough, but it's wonderful to spend time with the kids.

PS: OCD children make life very interesting.

Friday, January 15, 2010

My past.

As an introduction. I am a mother of 3. I had severe post partum depression, which has spiraled into depression whether or not I'm pregnant, nursing, or two years away from either of the above.

My children are 5, 3 and almost 2. My 5 year old is OCD, my 3 year old can't really talk, and my nearly 2 year old is a very normal toddler. I am not such a great mother.

I try, I really do. But somehow, I don't have the patience, or the energy, to keep up with them. Sometimes I wonder if I was really meant to be a mother.

Due to recent events, (namely the economy being what it is), I'm working nearly full time, while my husband stays at home with the children.

The truth is, I don't know how he does it. I know mommy's are the nurturers, but I'm not! I can cuddle the kids and give them love, but I can come home from work and find the house clean, dishes done, food on the table, kids happy and bathed. I can't do that. I never have been able to. Either the kid is happy, or the house is sort of picked up. I can't do both, maybe it's a me thing?
I feel inadequate. I was put on depression medication before the birth of my second child. When the first was born, I spent the next year so depressed I sat home and cried. Then one day, for whatever reason, it went away. suddenly I wasn't crying, and I could get things done and enjoy my child.

That was when I realized I had a problem. And I went on medication. I've tried so many medications over the years, and eventually, either I stop taking them, or the dosage stops working. Many times my husband and my mother will tell me I need to get my medication fixed, and they will make sure I do it. (Once they gang up, I can't fight them).

I've been on prozac (the generic stuff, whatever it was called). They doubled the dose, then gave up and tried a different medication. There was one that worked, but I couldn't afford a hundred dollars a month, no matter what the push to my sanity.

Now I'm on something that is on Wal-marts four dollar plan (thankfully!!!). Or I should be on ... we just moved, and I only have one refill. Alright, that's an excuse. I've forgotten to take my medicine since before we moved down here.

Here's the cycle. You get on a medicine. Stay on it for a while, until it starts working and you are ok. Then I forget it ... get off it ... and I go back down. Then I start over. This roller coaster is constant and hazardous to my health. But for some reason, I can't get off it. When I do get off the roller coaster, it's at the bottom and I stay depressed until my husband can't handle me any longer and convinces me to take meds again.

Ironically enough, my MIL thinks that depression is something you can "snap out of." A mother should never be on medication, if she's "close to the lord" she'll be fine. (Heaven help me if my MIL ever reads this). Through the years, I have not yet succeeded in explaining that it's hormonal. It's not something I can snap out of or pray out of. (Yes, I'm religious, but I believe the lord gave doctors brains for a reason, lets trust them!)

So I get heck for being on medication (though if you look on HER fathers microwave .. there is a bottle of prozac for his problems .. hmmm....).

I guess it almost makes it harder for me when I am told I'm a rotten mother (again, the MIL), mostly because I "make" my husband stay home with the children while I work. It's an economic factor, his job doesn't work well now, mine does.

Strangely, when I'm at work like this, I am ok. I still cry easily, and get upset by the end of a weekend, and have serious issue finding the patience necessary. But I'm not gone. I am here enough not to cry all the time. I can pull myself out of bed in the morning. I can force myself to keep moving.

Being a stay at home mom is not for the depressed. I still feel like a rotten mom, but the truth is, I do better when I'm not home 24/7. I NEED to feel I'm accomplishing something. I'm not saying raising children isn't wonderful accomplishment, but emotionally, I need out now and then.

Today I have a hard job to do. I need to admit to my husband I don't know where my med's are ... and I probably should be taking them. Wish me luck!