My sister in law called last week, she's having a girl.
My sister had a baby last month.
My other sister in law is having a boy any day now.
2 close friends had theirs in the last few weeks too.
Days like this, I rejoice for those I love, for those I care for.
My womb is empty.
Is it my fault? How can they "accidentally" have a baby?
Why are so many babies abandoned, forgotten.
Why can those who don't care, get pregnant so easily.
While me, and many like me. Can't have another?
I'm luckier than many, I do have children. Before this all started, before the cysts, the cramps, the tears, I was one of them. I tried to be sensitive to those around me who couldn't have children, because I knew it wasn't their fault.
I broke the news gently when I got pregnant, again, because I knew it would hurt after I held them as they cried through miscarriages.
Now it's my turn. How can I be so selfish? Wanting them to care? Wanting them to realize?
My baby, and likely my last, is 2, .... but I feel empty.
There's another baby waiting for me, out there somewhere. He's still in heaven, watching me. Telling me "mommy, hang in there. Someday I'll make it to you." Even if he can't get here the easy way, I feel certain he'll find me someday.
Until then, there is an empty place at the table, an empty place in my heart. My family is not complete. the line, " I'm sure it'll happen someday", doesn't help anymore. Someday isn't coming.
My body painfully spring cleans, monthly, in the hopes someday another little spirit will move in.
Will someday ever come? I force myself to enjoy the present, what I have now, my wonderful babies. Soon I'll have no more kids in diapers, and the "baby" stage of my motherhood, may be over.
It sounds like you are going through a hard time right now. I am so very sorry. I am very grateful that you are sharing this, it is something that I need to be aware of.
ReplyDeleteWow. Thank you for sharing such raw, tender emotion with us. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and no words can bring comfort, but know you are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this. I have two good friends who are unable to have children although both have tried numerous times, always ending in miscarriage. I cringe when I hear someone complain about pregnancy -- not that there's anything wrong with it, there's plenty to complain about -- but because it makes me ache for my friends who would LOVE to experience swelling, backaches, nausea, mood swings, and all the pains of childbirth. Even though you have children, wanting to have a baby and not being able to make that happen when you want it to is tough. My prayers are with you during this time.
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